鵝園亂叫

我需要的不是忍耐壓力的訓練，而是現實忍耐的訓練。現實是嚴重地，讓人窒息地可哀。優渥父權下的敘述，常把女性的苦難和悲哀膚淺化。彷彿深沉，而猶無比膚淺。不能之萬一。文人常是想像得不嚴重。史家又常是想像得過於拳拳。都仍然不是。

我覺着說凡此不驗不將最有效，不如回歸天命說。凡此星學、陰陽氣數說，若真有驗，便是有天命；與其浪費時間於考究和確定其驗之徵上，毋寧自修，求個盡得天命。若不有驗，也說明不了天命是為不有。惟是正命在眼前。天命就在當下。朱子所謂「今日」即近當下。我想，原則應是，極要緊之事若慶元朱子疏才齋戒起卦、查天象以考求引導。平日但學習如何應接事務而已。若驚懼突然臨時出事，也應是學習如何在所及範疇內應接而已。日後每要考查、起問，都先須自問，咱此事有慶元黨禁嚴重否？若是不幸有而不察，也只能是正命如此。

信念惟是在確鑿性之不有下才能彰明。惟是未知才見信念。近來正值木星對分元木，想起最初入門占星學，也恰是在木星合相元木當年。我覺着還是朱子說得是，氣數之說，其大數可見，非必謂便不可信。然又何必推知其起始與未來事？「但有今日，都不須問前面事。但自盡，明日死也不可知，更二三十年在世也不可知。只自修，何必預知之。」信念天命與天理而已。

然則被淹沒也是天命否？日前聽建議，以社媒究竟多人，還是應上去作一作為是。數日，始終覺得牽強、心虛、可厭，又徒添焦慮而已。那不是我的園地。念及許多學術事，又傷。

風險是如此。應然是如此。語境則如此。實務則如此。風險、應然、語境、實務，考量原則和理想，應及此四者。若發佈想法到網上，應認知，被掠的風險確實存在；而後雖認知而猶發佈了，其應然仍然是，掠便是不當，便是違背學術誠信；而後雖從應然上而言便是不當，其具體之人的語境並此應然的原則和理想，在有限的能力和環境下，當前能夠推求到甚麼地步；推求到甚麼地步爲之實務上有益或不復有益；又是另一事。

又若提出◯◯事，風險是得罪，應然是◯◯是不當，應該提出。語境是考量◯◯個人既往言行，何以◯◯，當時並當前情形；實務則是，倘若提出，如何提出；如此行動的期望結果是甚麼，可能結果是甚麼，有益或不有益於甚麼。

我固知將繼續貽笑人，然希望但乘年輕愚蠢之名義，投又投。但當前是應先晾着，待來年回顧，看看是否真有那料子，再說。

常覺朱子好不毒舌，近日重翻錢穆論著，始覺許多傳統文人治史、評事大抵都毒舌犀利，乃近代學術訓練，教人下字要意思周全，不能寫得罪人的評斷。好處是姿態更兼容並包，不好則大片都是溫吞，讀來覺着意思不佳，不俐落。

我沒有那樣的機遇，我想；惟是願我到死未悔改。

回顧前陣子占星學社群對Steven Forrest的處置，如何更堂皇正規的大學府，卻應對如此落後。

我畢生都在承受巨大的痛苦，而不曾能夠表達萬一。我畢生都在承受巨大的傷痛，而不曾有人窺見萬一。於是又為巨大的悲哀。剝削背脊肌膚的痛苦；錯愕胸前不有刀刃的痛苦。擠壓神經每一寸的痛苦。我是箇診斷收集器。曾經很需要人的「理解」，但是並沒有。現在年紀稍長了，也就不在意了。

雖然日月食季節已過，然近來似乎也多了腐朽權威為人網絡上圍攻性別歧視、種族歧視，繼而為cancel的案例。想來與白羊土、冥天木近來形勢有關。前些日子與師長說，學者娛樂化可能是未來將有的趨向。此亦一徵。然而星座學社群如何應對，與大學如何應對，大抵也可見幾個斑。想起年初讀某位學者港版書，序言引新亞學規。今日整個書院有幾人知得、讀過學規！益知機構雖難免，卻不是恆久方法。

聽Parannoul新作，至Instinct，又驚。如何自信！回顧某文，自卑不如。說不清究竟是內容本來艱澀，還是自己論次不好，還是當前腦袋還在其中，抽離不出來看寫得如何。現代學術就一個嚴謹能彷彿些那種風格。學術如何可以寫成那個模樣？流行音樂多氣勢假。前些日子聽Ful Stop 2025現場，真不可日語。

every time you press the "post" button on social media, you are sending what you have written to AI. it is no different than you sending it to a non private model in AI chat, directly.

咱日後不將出許多文章，但凡有一篇，都不用副標題！一正標題，鑿鑿就是！雖然，如此題，也不有人會點進去看就是了。

Interpreting Gonggong as mental conscious shift because myths have his head(thus mental!) banging the pillars, which brought shifts in nature.

查資料庫，隨意搜宋文言及共工者，固多作為小人、凶惡者說。惟至一文，說：「若四族者，誠皆小人也，則安能用之以變四夷之俗哉。由此觀之，則四族之誅，皆非誅死，亦不廢棄，但遷之遠方爲要荒之君長耳。」顧題名作者，赫然蘇軾。大笑。固亦原來讀時已有的困惑。但總是蘇軾！

偶爾想像貓一樣睡一下午。也確實睡了許多下午了，就是不像貓一樣睡一下午。

but still really want to share this so here it is

能夠與Parannoul同世，是我這一生最大的幸運。這才是我的歸屬。聽2026年White Ceiling現場有感。

誰在敲我的屁股？

然則當時頭被推向下了又轉回去，也說明是胎裏伶俐，知這世界不可誕生。然還是被剖出來了。

說冥王水瓶時代，許多星座學家焦點都在AI、AI、AI。包括許多那些在上的人，甚教授、甚學者。真正的應是bedroom以至網絡音樂、網絡電影、網絡云云的興盛起來。或者說，獨立娛樂、獨立文藝之通過網絡而流行、爲接觸，而進入更主流之另類視野。

You fucker do not qualify to be a Saturn. Get the fuck down from that fucking rings of yours.

官祿高地站不了，道德高地還是要站一站的。

Even if there is no one and there will be no one and history turns out to be absolutely useless in doing what it should be doing, even if i never see the light of day and all things that I have done turn to dust and completely vanish in this universe as if they never existed; as if i never existed. whatever some people think. Historians should honk and I have faith in honking.

If no one is ever going to recognize this then I will myself! If no one is ever going to acknowledge the truth and what is right and what is not then I will myself. If no one is going to treat these things the way it should have been then I will myself. This is historian. The biggest trait of a historian is that they do not move on. And thus history as a discipline is sad and lonely in nature. By that I mean historical work should and unavoidably is emotionally charged in nature. No, what we should be going after isn't "Objectivity" per se, but to acknowledge the inevitable emotional and personal nature of our work, and to put those subjective factors on table so that we could properly address it, instead of just pretending that it isn't there. If no one is ever going to give you the attention you deserve I will honk about it until I die. If everyone think this is minute and meaningless I will also honk about it until I die. Historians do not let go. Historians are in nature going against not only the flow of time but also our human nature of letting things go, wanting to feel better and at peace, and then ignoring, avoiding things that are uncomfortable for them. Historians should honk until they die. Even if honking cause you things. The most famous historian in Chinese history is one that went through castration because they honked when no one else did.

People say Saturn Return is like Saturn coming back home, checking what you have and have not done, and you need to adopt to Saturn so that you can pass their testing. Bullshit! Well, Saturn you big little shit, since you have returned, let me tell you what you have been doing wrong all these years in other signs, and how you should improve for better instead. Jesus! Calm the fuck down! Hitting me in face doesn't change the fact that you have been doing shit in other signs. By shit I mean you did not live up to the supposedly Saturnian standards. And it's been a bad structure that you built up. You think that is authority? You think something like that will last long? You think that is hard work, limitations, or whatever the things you are supposed to be ruling? Oh no no no. Let me tell you what could last forever. Let me teach you a lesson on what true legacy, restrictions, boundaries are, and how a up-to-standard, true Saturn should act like, and how you should be ruling those realms, so that the next time you enter Libra, Sagittarius, and Capricorn, you'll know better.

Pluto, too! Yes, You! This is my house. So you have been a very bad guest. I had the decency to allow you to stay when Capricorn no longer wants you. You can, too, do all kind of crap to me and still it doesn't change the fact that you haven't been ruling what you supposedly ruling in the right way. Fact is fact and hitting me in the face just adds another evidence and fact to why you haven't been following 天理.

-- From an Aquarius that actually sticks to what you two should have been

What has happened to me is the best thing that could happen to any scholar in modern times! And this isn't oh-suffering-is-good spirituality, it's just what I truly think. I'm sad but it is good sadness. I am sad and I have never been happier in my life!

批判權威是好的，直到權威變成自己。

我是寧可狂妄。也不要再做鞋刷而不自知了。不要分明抱着屍體，卻還自我感動得不行。卻要感謝某素未謀面的○○來。不然，我都仍自猶豫，究竟猶是我自以為是否。是則是，不是則不是。

Saturn = about 75,335,000 me
Jupiter = about 89,375,000 me
Pluto = about 1,500,000 me

韓文真是有毒！不可再讀！然我腦袋一塞，雷就不復。不然，家母與貓都不太安。必是天人感應，雷也塞了！

大抵事只有一箇是非，是非既定，卻揀一箇是處行將去。必欲回互得人人道好，豈有此理！然事之是非，久卻自定。時下須是在我者無慊，仰不愧，俯不怍。別人道好道惡，管他！

昨查了好一陣子文體名。在量度這文字那文字可算跋否。記序否。論、議、說、解否。最後只能承認，自己寫的這些，大部分都不成文，更遑論體。然今世作文體亦難，若孟子、東坡議論文，今世若再有那樣論述者，多只招人目光耳。如何作文？倘若學術時文的格式亦未是。則學問和知識應以如何的文表述出來為理想？碎片化與文章是爲對立。對立不盡在文本的長度。

朱熹土歸作論孟解，我土歸以鵝圖裝飾博客。聖賢的土歸就是不同。

it's raining now!

咱胸中都可開家大餅子店了！

Seeking Darkness sounds more like Zhu Xi than anything else. Convince me this isn't genius!

新眼鏡很好！就是欲附會天象附會不來。

文之若干末段，讀來只是傷。實不曾真寫成，因爲始終都覺得未盡如意。末段尤其如此。初寫畢了是慟哭，再修改則屏蔽情緒，實皆痛苦。然與某項一般而已。最後都無人看得出；或止不屑以爲浮誇而已。

主咱學術者亦主咱屁股。主咱聲名者亦主咱的性器官。主咱敵人底是自家底心。此所有水瓶座如此也。又居咱學術宮的星體亦主咱的胸。咱的學術宮就是屁股與胸。

而咱家二者都扁平。是知咱學術宮亦平平。

近來經常想起許多細節。我總是這樣。常識都流失，然卻猶記得某年某天某語、某態、某細節。

People say emo is a phase, an immature, teenage phase. Well I guess I've inverted my mental growth! I will forever be an emo for the rest of my life. That's a commitment. Cause it does require commitment to be consistently cringy. May I never regret!

我還有誰是未得罪過的否？哦耶！

赫然才見得，原來屍體長這個樣子。

The real cringe is pretending. Real cringe is shoving your mic to the audience, pretending that you are hyping up the audience, when in fact it's because you can't sing the high notes. Singing breaking notes into your mic despite not being able to reach them, while might not be the most ideal scenario, sometimes could be even more fitting to the music, especially in emo. I guess it's because it sounds more pathetic that way.

i will continue to be as cringy as i could until i die. if comedy could be art. why couldn't emo too? i will not shut up until i die. not that i don't. i just can't.

i punched my toes for moving today

• a boar, according to internet

總要想：可以理解；或許有甚麼難言之隱；或許有甚麼不易；或許有甚麼矇蔽；可以理解，可以理解，卒無一人來。其實複雜或許複雜，誤解與不實或許也有，判斷資訊和說法之是非；其獨立之思考能力；卻在自家。卻不須總爲他人尋藉口。就等同我也無須藉口我自己。

過去幾日晚上，常夢見不同的師長。有些醒來也不記得是個甚麼劇情。

這不是精神病的世代，而是連精神病也失效的世代。

我想，所以許多喜劇與陷落關聯，大抵是因爲人類的苦難多源出荒謬。而既出荒謬，又因苦難而更顯荒謬。

看Love Takes Miles，留言有說，從未見過如此能夠契合補捉歌曲意義的影片；復有留言回覆之，說，比起歌曲意義，更多是聽那首歌時的體驗。以爲甚精到。

一詞一句反覆斟酌，幾百則一一查核原文；在地鐵、診所內端着原著全神貫注地推敲；轉換文檔又手寫標註數遍，如此一年，如此十萬。當時如此為之的人，不是他們。

大抵類近背腔喘息。雖說那般云。然而深究則無盡哀沉，幾近於哀悼的情緒。可悲。正以自己竟亦終有輕淡之的一日。

近日常念之。偶爾都忘了，有些已是近九年前的碎片。我總是這樣。如何念，如何總放不下，若緊緊懷抱所愛之人的腐屍，而不自知自己亦早已由之腐爛得逐漸不復全貌。然則懷抱腐屍猶愈空無一物，多年以來是這樣。現在亦已晚矣。才看得清楚面貌。又念小時候以來事，雖然，多無記憶。以前以爲是看開了，近日想，不是看開了，只是相較於每況愈下的現實，痛苦那些亦越形微小、無謂與多餘。我想，一如某位之愛情罷。和接踵而來的現實相比，再說那些情思、委屈與破碎；私人之痛苦；與逝去的許多「如果」，亦無謂而奢侈。可能今日之事亦將如此。如同今日再思考，倘若明日死去，我最後悔將是甚麼這一問題。結果亦是空白。悔意味着，我是可以做些甚麼的。我可以做些甚麼，除了繼續虛妄；繼續任由文字蔓延出去？